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  She turned to the Chapter on abnormal psychology. She had dutifully read this section of the book last year, without a great deal of interest, but now it was like being struck by lightning. There in black and white were several possible diagnoses with symptoms that seemed to match hers. With a sinking feeling, she read about schizophrenia, delusional disorders, and schizoaffective disorder. People with schizophrenia often experienced paranoia, thinking that someone was trying to harm them, reading their thoughts and contaminating their food. It was like a thief, stealing a person from themselves. She wavered between chucking the book at the wall in anger, and crumbling onto the floor. She wanted to talk to someone. Someone like Elspeth.

  Jazz wouldn’t be home until the late afternoon. Adriana would return to the hospital, hopefully without anyone knowing she’d gone missing, and come back tonight. She’d leave Jazz a note, saying she’d be back, and to wait for her. Adriana thought about leaving her knapsack and bags of clothes but what if Jazz’s mother found them? She scooped them into her arms and headed out the door.

  At the bus stop she had second thoughts all of a sudden. The plan seemed too smooth. There were always wrinkles that no amount of massaging and face exercises could do away with. Uncharacteristically, Adriana made the choice Jazz would make, and decided not to think about it.

  During the twenty minute bus ride to the hospital, Adriana considered what she’d read in the psychology textbook. Panic rose in her throat, threatening to swamp her. She couldn’t scream and cry on this city bus full of people. Adriana leaned her forehead against the bus window, struggling to keep her face as smooth as possible. But what about her mother? What if she forgot about her mother? Adriana sat bolt upright. Her mother had been surprisingly absent from her thoughts the last few days, or could it be weeks. Except for the talk she’d had with Elspeth, and the dream of her funeral, she’d hardly thought of Viera at all. Adriana tried to picture her mother’s grey eyes staring stonily at her but all she could muster was a pale face, with a weak smile that looked pasted on. What had happened? Was it the drugs that had turned her mother into a faded, watered-down version of herself? Or had her brain shrunk and shrivelled over the past few weeks from depression, the way her heart had?

  Adriana rested her forehead on the window again. Some of the hospital buildings came into view—the brick laundry facility, the cafeteria building and the newer Mount Hope, which had units for longer term patients and senior citizens. Some people lived out their lives here, she thought, with a sick feeling.

  A man just past middle age, with the red and porous nose of an alcoholic and suspenders under his jacket, stood up to get off the bus. He carried a grocery bag of books in his hand. Several other downtrodden looking people shuffled off the bus, lighting up cigarettes almost immediately. Adriana quickly exited out the back door, feeling the eyes of the other passengers on her.

  She passed the smokers and entered the Purdy building. Just as she got on the elevator, Samantha appeared from the door to the basement, holding a bag of chips and a can of Coke. She smiled as she stuck her foot out to keep the elevator door open. “You’re back? Couldn’t stay away, eh?” she chortled. Adriana nodded grimly. Samantha hummed to herself as the elevator reached Mayflower on the third floor. “Well, I missed you,” Samantha said, with a shy smile. Adriana’s eyes opened wide. Perhaps Samantha considered her a friend.

  As they walked down the hall to the nurses’ station, she saw one of the staff staring at her from the back office, and soon, all their heads were turned in her direction. Elspeth appeared in the doorway, her face grim. Adriana tried to smile but it was obvious Elspeth was not pleased. “Adriana we’ve been looking for you. You are an involuntary patient now and not allowed to leave the hospital grounds.” Adriana set her bags down and tried to explain, but the words got caught in her throat. Elspeth was waiting for her to say something.

  Adriana blurted, “Am I schizophrenic?”

  Elspeth’s frown deepened. “Go put your bags away and then we’ll talk,” she said. “The doctor wants to see you also.”

  Samantha was lying in bed, delicately eating one potato chip at a time and sipping her cola. Adriana put her things in the locker, without thinking, and took her shoes off so she could put on the boat-shaped hospital slippers. “They gave me the third degree,” Samantha said. “I didn’t tell them anything,” she added with satisfaction.

  “Thank you,” Adriana said, though she didn’t think Samantha could have told them much anyway.

  Elspeth was waiting for Adriana down the hall. She had softened a little. “Dr. Burke will join us in a while,” she said, and she opened the door to the interview room. Adriana took the seat near the window. That much of the drill she knew. Elspeth was silent, waiting for Adriana to begin. Adriana hung her head. “I needed to get out of here,” was all she said.

  Elspeth nodded. “I can appreciate it’s difficult to be here, Adriana,” she said, “but you are here to get help, and we need you to stick around so we can give you that help.” Adriana looked at her feet. “Why did you come back?” Elspeth asked.

  Adriana was surprised by the question. She thought Elspeth would ask why she had left. “I went to my friend’s house. I was worried about her,” Adriana said, realizing even as the words left her that she hadn’t known about Jazz’s predicament when she left the hospital. “I read about psychosis in her psychology textbook, and I came back so I could ask you whether you think that’s what’s wrong with me.”

  “And what made you worried?” Elspeth asked.

  Adriana quaked. “I… Jeff was… I had a bad feeling, about Jeff and the storm.” Adriana couldn’t tell her, that she had had a sudden overwhelming need to flee—that would just make things worse. Elspeth seemed to take note of it, but said nothing. Adriana held her breath for a few seconds. “She’s pregnant,” Adriana said and put her face in her hands. “My friend. I want to go with her to the hospital tomorrow for the abortion.”

  Elspeth softened. “Adriana, you’ll have to talk to the doctor about that,” she said.

  As if on cue, there was a knock at the door, and Dr. Burke entered. He was a short, thin man with dark curly hair and a beard. Adriana twisted her hands in her lap. Dr. Burke looked sombre. “Hello, Adriana,” he said and, without waiting for her to greet him, said “We’ve been concerned about you. So has your father.” Adriana felt something collapse. She hadn’t thought about her father. “So what made you run this morning?”

  “I didn’t run,” she protested, but her stomach was weak. “I walked out.” Dr. Burke smiled, his eyes kind. “Okay, what made you walk?” he asked. Adriana was going to tell him about her dream but suddenly it sounded ridiculous. She looked at the ceiling, and her anxiety about hidden cameras kicked in, but she wondered whether that was ridiculous too.

  Adriana felt completely demoralized. “Do I have schizophrenia?” she asked. Dr. Burke sat back in his chair, considering. Adriana put her face in her hands.

  Dr. Burke leaned forward. “Adriana,” he said. “A diagnosis of schizophrenia is not made easily and often not the first time someone ends up in hospital.”

  Adriana kept her hands over her eyes. “But what’s wrong with me?” she asked. Dr. Burke cleared his throat.

  “Dr. Chen does think you have some psychosis,” he said. “We’re not sure when it started, whether in hospital or before. I am going to consult with her today, and later we can chat about all this.”

  Adriana’s mother watched her, as she used to from the door to the kitchen. She leaned her shoulder against the sill, arms folded. Adriana felt a rush of relief that her mother had returned, though she was still a pale version of herself.

  Dr. Burke was watching her, his head tipped to one side, as if he were asking a question. Adriana knew he wouldn’t let her go back to Jazz’s place, but she had to ask.

  “My friend is going through a difficult time,” she said as calmly as she cou
ld manage. “I wanted to be with her. Tomorrow she’s having an operation at the hospital. Can I go with her?” Dr. Burke looked at Adriana, considering. “You know, Adriana, it is a good sign that you’re able to think about helping your friend, but you need to put your own medical treatment first. You’re not going to be able to help anyone if you remain ill.”

  She crumbled when she thought of Jazz making her way alone to the abortion clinic. Adriana knew stepping inside a hospital would undo her, even before she lay on the operating table. Adriana began to weep, loudly and hopelessly. Dr. Burke stood up. Elspeth nodded to the doctor, who left them. Elspeth put her hand on Adriana’s shoulder, which made her cry even harder. “Adriana,” she said. “Whether or not you are with your friend tomorrow, she’ll know you care. That you wanted to be there. And that will mean a lot to her,” she said. Adriana knew that was true. She wished she could curl up like a baby in Elspeth’s lap and go to sleep. Instead she wiped her nose on her sleeve, and hiccupped.

  Elspeth smiled and handed her the tissue box on the coffee table. Adriana realized that in all the years since her mother’s death, she’d never had an impulse like that, had never wished for her mother to hold her.

  “I dreamt my mother was in a coffin, at the nursing station.” Adriana didn’t know why she said that. Elspeth nodded. “She looked like she was asleep.” Elspeth smiled. Adriana realized she felt something, as though she’d unclenched her fist, and let something go, her palm still warm from the friction of it.

  Chapter 23

  Adriana went to the kitchen, where the patient phone reserved for making outgoing calls sat on the counter. Jazz would be in class, but she couldn’t leave a message that would alert Jazz’s mother to what was going to happen tomorrow. Jazz didn’t own a cell phone because she didn’t want her mother to be able to track her down. Maybe if Adriana called the Admissions office they could get a message to her. But that seemed too drastic a move. She would just have to wait until Jazz got home around 4 p.m.

  Adriana sat with the telephone receiver in her hand. She decided to call home to leave a message for her father, as it was likely he had heard about her leaving the hospital and would be worried. He’d be home at noon, to give Beth her lunch. She felt strange dialing her own number. “Hello?” said a young girl’s voice on the end of the line. It was Beth.

  Adriana answered quakily, “Hi Beth.” There was silence on the other end. “It’s Adriana. Can I speak to Dad?” Again, silence.

  “He’s not home,” Beth said in a small voice.

  Adriana felt sorry for her. “Could you ask him to give me a call at the hospital?” Adriana asked. Beth seemed to hesitate. “Beth? Are you there?”

  “Yes,” Beth said. Her voice took on a higher pitch. “Dad said you ran away.” Adriana’s forehead wrinkled.

  “I didn’t,” she said. “It was just a mistake. I went to see my friend Jazz. But I’m back now.”

  Adriana wasn’t sure that Beth was convinced. “Don’t worry, okay?” She said. “Dad will be home soon.” Jeff drifted into the kitchen and sat down, ghostly pale. His eyes looked haunted. Adriana turned away from him “Let Dad know I called.” She hung up the phone, and sat there for awhile, her head swirling. She felt a bit dizzy, as though she were going to faint.

  Adriana looked up at the clock—lunch wasn’t for another half hour. “Can I use the phone?” Jeff asked, in a hollow voice. Adriana nodded. Jeff dialed a number and waited, listening. Adriana could hear an automated voice come on at the other end. Jeff nodded and whispered something, before hanging up. Adriana looked at him cautiously, trying to decide what to say. Jeff volunteered, “It’s the weather number,” as if that explained everything. Adriana nodded.

  “Soon, there’s going to be a big storm headed our way,” said Jeff. Adriana had heard that earlier, on the Weather Channel. She nodded, and because she didn’t want to look at him, she examined her hands. Her fingernails were gnawed short, without polish. She wondered when she’d started biting them again.

  “It could be a hurricane,” Jeff said, more to himself than anyone else. “I’m watching it. I’ll try to stop it but I don’t know if I’m strong enough,” he said. Adriana gazed at him. She could see he was dead serious.

  Marlene in her red parka ambled into the kitchen. “Phone’s busy downstairs,” she said, pushing past Jeff and Adriana. Jeff stared at the floor, something turning over in his brain. Adriana stood up. She figured there wasn’t anything else she could do but wait till her father called. Suddenly she felt a weight on her shoulders as if a gigantic hand had placed a boulder there.

  She went to her room to lie down. There was a book on her bedside table,Out on a Limb, by Shirley MacLaine. Adriana picked it up, examined the spine, and put it down again. Samantha, who had finished her snack, smiled beseechingly. “I love Shirley MacLaine,” she trilled. “I hope you’ll like the book. It’s a gift.” Adriana nodded, staring at the cover. Shirley MacLaine sat in a tree, her long legs stretched elegantly out in front of her. “Did they give you the third degree?” Samantha asked. Adriana shook her head and got under her covers. She didn’t feel like talking to Samantha or anyone else. Instead, she closed her eyes and fell asleep in a matter of minutes. Samantha watched her, a cloud of something indistinguishable passing over her face.

  When Adriana opened her eyes and saw Beth standing in her doorway, she sat up as though she’d been shot. “Where’s Dad?” she asked. Beth shook her head. Adriana threw the covers off her. “He’ll be worried about you,” Adriana scolded, anxiety gripping her. Beth looked terrified. “It’s okay,” Adriana said. “I’ll call him.”

  She pulled Beth by the arm, down the hall to the kitchen. Marlene was still on the phone. She waved at Adriana with an unlit cigarette. “I’m almost done,” she called out.

  Adriana and Beth sat down at the table, facing one another. Beth looked miserable and her long kinky hair hadn’t been combed. Beth, who had come all this way, alone, to find her. “Wait here,” Adriana commanded, and returned to her room to get her brush. Samantha seemed peacefully asleep, her head tipped sideways on her shoulder, her mouth hung open.

  Adriana reached the kitchen just as Marlene hung up the phone. Adriana dialed home, but no one answered. She’s tried her father’s workplace but the secretary said he’d left half an hour ago. If he was in the car, he’d have his cell, she thought. It made her anxious to think of reaching him while driving—she was afraid he’d go off the road, but she dialed the number. Someone answered right away with a breathless, “Hello?”

  Adriana wasn’t sure it was her dad. It didn’t sound like him. Then she realized it must be Madeleine, the neighbour woman with the red hair and a crush on her dad. “Hi Madeleine,” she said, “It’s Adriana.”

  “Adriana! Your dad’s been so worried.” She heard a squeal and the sound of braking.

  Then Adriana heard her father’s voice. “Adriana!” he shouted into the phone.

  “Yes, Dad. I’m at the hospital. Beth’s here too,” she said, meekly.

  Her father gasped. “Oh my God, Beth.” He began to choke with laughter and tears. “I forgot about Beth,” Adriana heard him say to Madeleine. He was sobbing now. Madeleine came on the phone.

  “Adriana, I’ll drive your dad over,” she said. “We’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

  Adriana detected no judgement in her voice, just concern. “I’m okay Madeleine,” she said. “And Beth’s okay too.” Actually Beth looked less okay—her nose was runny and her eyes were puffy.

  Elspeth came into the kitchen as Adriana hung up. “I called Dad,” she said before Elspeth could say a word.

  Her face looked relieved. “Oh good, we’ve been trying to reach him,” she said. Adriana put her arm around Beth’s shoulders They were equally miserable, she thought. Elspeth smiled. “You look like you could use a hot chocolate,” she said to Beth.

  Beth looked stricken, so Adriana a
nswered for her. “Yes, she’d like that.”

  Adriana stood behind Beth and started to brush her hair. It felt softer than she thought. In her hands, the kinks lay limp and docile. She tugged gently from her sister’s forehead backward and continued the stroke down to the end of her locks. The kinks softened and expanded into waves. Beth closed her eyes and let Adriana brush a hundred strokes.

  Adriana held her breath. Jazz had brushed her hair before and she knew how soothing it felt, but it had always provoked anxiety in Adriana to brush someone else’s hair. Her hands remembered her mother’s hair, flowing through them as Adriana brushed it. Her mother sat in front of the mirror on her bedroom vanity and Adriana stood behind her, brushing carefully so she didn’t hurt her mother. Every so often, Viera would flick a handkerchief at Adriana and tell her not to pull so hard. She closed her eyes, serenely. Adriana couldn’t help but feel, as she stood looking into the mirror, that she looked like a Chinese maid to her white-skinned mother.

  Beth opened her eyes when Elspeth put a cup of hot chocolate in front of her. They had an unfocussed, faraway look. Adriana stopped brushing and Beth let her head flop forward, hair covering her eyes. Adriana patted her shoulders, and sat down opposite her, with her own cup of hot chocolate. Elspeth left them. Marlene was cleaning the kitchen, running a damp cloth slowly over the stainless steel counters. Adriana smiled at Beth. She really was just a little girl, although at 12 years old, and almost five feet tall, with budding breasts, she could be mistaken for a teenager.

  A ghost of a smile appeared on Beth’s face. It made her look younger, her cheeks fuller and prettier. Adriana thought. It was the first time she’d seen Beth smile since she arrived. She wanted to show Beth pictures of their mother, to help her understand where she came from, and why Adriana had a difficult time separating Beth from her. Adriana gulped a mouthful of air, struck by this idea with fresh force. Was that why she had had such a problem with her sister?